ramblin

Here’s the cover of BYOFL 97 that we did with Maximum Rock N Roll which is now an awesome website www.byofl.org. anyway.. here’s a rambling piece.

It’s been a while since I wrote anything even remotely related to the Model Citizen columns in Under the Volcano. One of the things I noticed after the fact was how much of an expert editor ol’ Black was, and a lot of my “good” writing was the end result of that editing and not necessarily what I was writing. The above thought has been a state of mind that has been crippling in a lot of ways. Since the zine isn’t in print anymore, Rich isn’t editing “my work” anymore, and I’m faced with the fact that I feel my work is shit.

So then I don’t write, I go into long periods of stagnation. No writing, no music, no art. When I’d try to break out of this funk my brain would beat me up, write a line.. delete.. write a paragraph…delete. Over and over and over.. nothing produced. I often get asked why I never pursued writing as a full time gig or more seriously since I possess a wealth of knowledge in regards to music, art and “culture” and I really have no answer. In order for me to write I have to have certain conditions and constellations in alignment and often times all the “things” I need don’t occur. Some people can relate to what I’m saying, most don’t.

Other times people would ask me, please stop writing. One of the arguments I received back in the day on my “work” series of pieces was that they were exhausting, redundant, and hopeless. Which is funny because I would run into “fans” while I was merchandising washing machines at 4:30 in the morning and they would love that shit because they realized the piece was about them. The people that get lost in the rank and file. Clocked in and breaking their backs for some crumbs. I found their opinions more sincere and valid the those who wanted to hear the scoop on the latest hoopla stirred by this weeks scenesters.

I did meet the anti MC people halfway. I said this a million times and here is a million and one. I stopped writing reviews because I felt that since I was trying to sculpt my own noise projects, my opinion of someone else’s stuff was irrelevant. There are a lot of bad poetic phrases and clichés I would never use in my own work. There are a lot of images and parameters that I wouldn’t use as founding stones or formulas to adhere to. One would argue that this is why all of my endeavors have been monetary flops. BUT I’d rather have a monetary flop then pen some ditty that ends up being covered by the KIDS BOP all stars.

So I stopped reviewing music to avoid any conflicts of interest and I thought this would be appreciated. All of my loyal musician “friends” stopped calling me because I was a dead end in the promotion spectrum. Which is okay. The people who never asked me for anything in this “business” are still my friends. The leeches and misers come around from time to time, throw out some lip service and usually try to pick my brain as to who should they try to utilize to hawk their goods. I have to tell them the truth, I don’t know anyone anymore.

Who’s a good opening act with a following? I just repeat what everyone else is saying.. uhh.. Vampire Weekend are pretty nifty, there’s also this group called Voxtrot who remind me of Housemartins meet The Smiths. I don’t know if that last comparison was written some where but that’s my take on the track that I heard.

Then I realize they're looking for a Pantera esque meets Fight opener for the HC kid who's first entree to "hardcore" was some bastard spawn of a bastardized hellspawn of hardcore punk rock and not the actual thing. You know the type of act that isn't embarrassed by the poster merch, the over priced tshirt merch and a group with the aspirations of playing some sneaker sponsored tour outside the Mall or Amerikkka.. and this is something I just can't relate to, can't stomach and I'm sure I sound like a crotchety shit bag, I can NOT tolerate. If you want to a rock superstar cool, be it. Don't disguise your intentions with glitzy videos cut with rapid image riot footage and civil disobedience icons... cuz that's not you and you're not fighting that fight. You're essentially the bread and butter for the smart bomb tech share holders.

So where am I at? The essence of Model Citizen is the angry, disgruntled shit worker rants. At least that’s what I imagine them to be. I’m always pissed off about something. Though there has been a big different in the past three years of writing is welp… I have accepted that I have a pretty good life.

I have the greatest girl in my life. There’s a picture of us if you scroll down. We have an awesome rabbit, who is slowly building trust in us. The hardest thing about writing is, it doesn’t always have to be about venom. The engine isn’t solely running on hate. There is a lot of love. There’s a lot of positivity. There are a lot of moments where I realize I have a great girl by my side, she’s with me through the thick and thin. I’m a lucky man.

I’m sorry if this is running all over the place but like I said earlier.. I haven’t written in a long time and I’m just letting this roll.